How to Respond to Gaslighting and Crush It
You're in your weekly one-on-one with your boss, armed with a folder of emails proving you completed a critical project on time. But your boss leans back, frowning.
"We never discussed that deadline. In fact, I don't recall assigning you this project at all."
Your stomach drops. You pull the emails out, but your boss dismisses them.
Are you losing your mind? Nope, you're being gaslighted.
And it's time to put an end to this mind-bending bullsh*t.
Here's how to respond to gaslighting like a pro.
How Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting is trending right now, but it's a real form of emotional manipulation that can leave you questioning your own perceptions (and sanity).
The gaslighter's playbook? Deny, distort, and deflect.
The person manipulating will tell you certain events didn't happen, twist your words, and make you doubt your own memories.
Gaslighting behavior can happen in romantic relationships, at work, with friends, and even with family members. 85% of people in a recent study report experiencing gaslighting from family members.
The Truth About Gaslighting
Everyone and their mother is talking about gaslighting now.
Gaslighting behavior is widespread, but here's the hard truth: not everything is gaslighting.
I repeat: NOT. EVERYTHING. IS. GASLIGHTING.
That time your mean girl coworker disagreed with you about the best way to tackle a project? Probably not gaslighting. Your friend forgetting about plans you made? Annoying, but not necessarily gaslighting.
We certainly need to talk about gaslighting and how to deal with it during tough conversations. But we also need to acknowledge that this term has been overused.
If you get lost in the "Oh my God, you're gaslighting me" spiral every time someone disagrees with you, you're going to make everything worse.
(Plus, claiming someone's gaslighting you when they're actually not can kill your credibility.)
So, before jumping to conclusions, let's talk about what gaslighting is and isn't.
How to Identify (True) Gaslighting Behavior
To spot a true gaslighter, look out for these red flags:
They constantly question your memory.
They deny things you know for a fact happened.
They use self-doubt against you.
It seems that they live in their own reality.
They tell you (or others) that you're crazy.
They genuinely try to rewrite history.
If you're dealing with someone who ticks these boxes, congratulations (or should I say, my condolences).
You've got a gaslighter on your hands, and you need to figure out how to respond to gaslighting ASAP.
Shifting Your Perspective on Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an abusive behavior and can have a serious impact on your mental health.
48% of women in the US have experienced gaslighting by an intimate partner.
70% of respondents in a study experienced gaslighting from a coworker or supervisor.
35% of gaslighting victims have contemplated suicide due to the psychological abuse.
This is pretty grim, but here's where I'm going to flip the script on you.
Just because someone's gaslighting you doesn't mean you have to be the victim. You don't need to accept that label.
You see, I'm an executive conflict strategist, and I'm NOT into the whole victim mentality thing.
You need to see gaslighting for what it is: a tactic. A shitty, manipulative tactic that someone is using on you, consciously or unconsciously.
But you're NOT some helpless damsel in distress.
You're a badass who's about to shut this nonsense down.
20 Gaslighting Examples and How to Respond to Them
Wondering what to say to someone who gaslights you? Here are 20 classic gaslighting phrases and how to respond to them to thrive despite bullies.
"You're being too sensitive."
Response: "My feelings are valid, and I won't apologize for having them."
"That never happened."
Response: "I trust my memory. This happened, and I'm not going to pretend it didn't."
"You're imagining things."
Response: "I know what I experienced. My perception is real to me."
"You're overreacting."
Response: "I have a right to react to things that affect me."
"I was just joking."
Response: "It didn't feel like a joke to me, and I'm not laughing."
"You're crazy."
Response: "Calling me names doesn't change the facts of the situation."
"You always twist things around."
Response: "I'm stating things as I see them. If you see it differently, let's discuss that."
"You're making a big deal out of nothing."
Response: "If it matters to me, it's not nothing."
"I'm not arguing. You're arguing."
Response: "We're having a discussion. If you don't want to participate, say so."
"You're too emotional."
Response: "Having emotions doesn't invalidate my point."
"You need to calm down."
Response: "I'm expressing myself clearly. My tone doesn't negate my message."
"You're remembering it wrong."
Response: "I'm confident in my recollection. If you remember it differently, let's talk about it."
"I never said that."
Response: "I clearly remember you saying that. Are you saying I'm lying?"
"You're making me out to be the bad guy."
Response: "I'm addressing your actions, not attacking your character."
"Why are you always so insecure?"
Response: "My concerns are valid. Dismissing them as insecurity doesn't address the issue."
"You're reading too much into this."
Response: "I'm sharing my perspective. If you see it differently, explain your view."
"You're being paranoid."
Response: "I'm expressing my genuine concerns. Labeling them as paranoia doesn't make them go away."
"You're the only one who has a problem with this."
Response: "Even if that's true, my feelings still matter."
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't question me."
Response: "Love doesn't mean blind trust. I can love you and still question things."
"You're too sensitive to take a joke."
Response: "If it hurts me, it's not a joke. My feelings aren't a punchline."
And if your gaslighter really cranks the drama up, learn how to bounce back from a scandal and come out even stronger.
Strategies for Responding to Gaslighting
Now let's talk strategy.
It's not just what you say to the person gaslighting you, but how you say it, too.
Whether you're dealing with gaslighting in intimate relationships or at work, follow these tips:
Stand your ground: Plant your feet, square your shoulders, and maintain eye contact. Your body language should communicate that you're not backing down.
Speak with conviction: Don't use flowery language or long-winded explanations. State your truth clearly and confidently.
Document everything: Keep records of conversations and incidents. Your memory isn't faulty, but having proof never hurts (trust me, I'm a former trial lawyer).
Trust your gut: It can be sometimes hard to make sense of your own feelings, but if something feels off, it probably is.
Set firm boundaries: Make it clear what behavior you will and won't tolerate from your partner, co-worker, or family member.
Seek support: Talking to friends is great, but you can also get help from a licensed clinical psychologist or my The Step Up Membership.
Stay calm: Gaslighters thrive on emotional reactions, so don't give them the satisfaction.
Use "I" statements: "I feel," "I think," "I know." Own your experiences and perceptions.
Know when to walk away: Sometimes, the best response is no response. You don't owe anyone your time or energy.
Gaslighting techniques can be really powerful, but it's possible to go from crisis to crushing it.
If you need help, learn more about my 1:1 conflict coaching services.
How Do You Shut Down Gaslighting? Remember That YOU Have the Power
You are not a victim.
You are not powerless.
You are not at the mercy of the gaslighter's whims.
You have the power to turn the tables and walk away with your head held high.
Gaslighters feed on your self-doubt and thrive when you question yourself. So your greatest weapon is unwavering self-confidence and standing firm in your truth.
Next time someone tries to gaslight you, remember: You're not the one who's crazy.
You're the one who's about to show them what real strength looks like.
FAQs
How to Respond to Gaslighting in a Relationship?
In a relationship, gaslighting is particularly toxic. It erodes trust, breeds resentment, and leaves lasting emotional scars. The key is to communicate clearly, set firm boundaries, and be prepared to walk away if necessary. Don't let love blind you to abuse. It's not worth it.
How to Respond to a Narcissist Gaslighting?
Narcissists are master manipulators, and they'll use every trick in the book to maintain control. Learn how to negotiate with a narcissist and if that fails, use the grey rock method. Be boring. Be unresponsive. Give them nothing to work with. And, most importantly, stand firm in your truth and remember that you're not crazy.
How to Respond to Gaslighting at Work?
Workplace gaslighting is very frustrating and tricky. It can derail your career and destroy your professional confidence. The important thing is to document everything. Keep emails, save messages, and note down incidents with dates and times. Build a support network within the company if possible. And don't be afraid to involve HR or higher management if necessary.
What Happens When You Ignore a Gaslighter?
At first, the gaslighter might ramp up their efforts and try to get a reaction out of you. But if you stay strong and keep ignoring them, eventually they'll realize their tactics aren't working. They might move on to an easier target, or they might even be forced to confront their own behavior (wouldn't that be nice?). If you've ever had to deal with a toddler tantrum, you might have an idea of what a gaslighter tantrum is like!
Is Telling Someone to Relax Gaslighting?
Telling someone to "relax" or "calm down" isn't automatically gaslighting, but it can be a form of dismissing someone's feelings. Context is key. If it's part of a pattern of minimizing your emotions or making you doubt your reactions, then yes, it could be gaslighting. But, as I explain in this blog post, not everything that makes you feel bad is gaslighting.
Do I Confront a Gaslighter?
Confronting a gaslighter can be frustrating and ultimately futile. They're likely to deny, deflect, or turn the tables on you. A lot of the time, instead of a direct confrontation, it's better to set boundaries and enforce the consequences for crossing them. But it can depend on your particular gaslighter. With some of them, direct confrontation works.
What Is a Gaslighter’s Weakness?
In two words? Your self-confidence. Gaslighters thrive on creating doubt and insecurity. So when you stand firm in your convictions, trust your perceptions, and refuse to play their mind games, you're essentially cutting off their power supply.
What Is the Number One Gaslighting Phrase?
There are many, but I'd vote for "you're crazy." It's a catch-all phrase designed to make you doubt your sanity, your perceptions, and your reactions. It's also complete bullsh*t. You're not crazy for having feelings, for remembering events, or for calling out manipulative behavior.
What Is the Emotional Response to Gaslighting?
Gaslighting can leave you feeling like you're losing your mind. You might experience self-doubt and anxiety or, in some cases, even feel depressed. Getting your feelings invalidated will most likely make you feel isolated and question your own memory and perception of reality. In short, it's a mindf*ck of epic proportions.
Repair Your Relationship with Conflict and Shut Down Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting is a nasty piece of work. It's manipulative, it's abusive, and it has no place in healthy relationships - personal or professional.
But you don't have to be a victim of gaslighting.
You don't have to doubt yourself. You don't have to let someone else define your reality. You have the power to stand up and shut this sh*t down.
If you're ready to control your own narrative, learn more about The Step Up Membership or my 1:1 Conflict Coaching Services!
