How to Negotiate with a Narcissist: 7 Strategies to Win
First of all, if you have to negotiate with a narcissist (or someone who’s acting like one), I'm sorry. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and experts at pushing your buttons. The negotiation process - or even just a simple interaction - with a narcissist is often frustrating and emotionally draining.
But don't worry! With the right strategies, you can learn how to negotiate with a narcissist and win. Let's get you to stop tolerating and start communicating.
How to Tell You're Dealing with a Narcissist (or someone who’s acting like one)
Not everyone who is difficult is a narcissist.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition where a person has an unhealthy sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration.
People with NPD often have fragile self-esteem and are easily wounded by criticism. They may look confident on the surface, but their self-worth heavily depends on external validation. It's hard for narcissists to genuinely connect with other people.
Recognizing narcissistic behavior is the first step to successfully negotiating with a narcissist.
While only a qualified professional can make an official diagnosis of NPD, the presence of the following characteristics might indicate you’re dealing with a narcissist (or someone who’s acting like one):
Inflated Ego: Narcissists believe that they’re more important and superior to others.
No Empathy: They struggle to understand or care about how others feel.
Attention Seekers: Narcs need constant praise and admiration to feel validated.
Entitlement: Narcissists expect special treatment without feeling the need to earn it.
Thin-Skinned: They often react strongly to even the slightest criticism or challenge.
It's hard to estimate how many people have NPD.
Some research suggests that between 0.5%-5% of Americans may be narcissists and that 50%-75% of them are men and people assigned male at birth. But you may also encounter a "covert narcissist" - someone who has the personality traits of a narcissist but expresses them in more subtle or passive-aggressive ways.
While I personally feel it’s inappropriate to arm-chair diagnose anyone with a mental health disorder, if I have a private working theory that someone might be a narcissist then I generally proceed as if the diagnosis is confirmed.
Why Negotiating with a Narcissist Is So Difficult
It's really hard to negotiate with people with narcissistic tendencies because they think the world revolves around them, constantly turn the conversation back to themselves, and dismiss your concerns and experiences.
Negotiations with a narcissist can feel like a game where the rules constantly change and you’re always behind the eight ball.
They’ll twist your words, blame you for things that aren’t your fault, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. They won't compromise or admit they’re wrong. This can seriously mess with your negotiation mojo and cause you to seriously doubt yourself and your position.
They may see your attempt to negotiate as a threat to their superiority, and they’ll respond with defensiveness, aggression, or manipulation.
Dealing with a narcissist is no walk in the park, but you can learn negotiation strategies to approach conflict with them more effectively.
How to Negotiate with a Narcissist: Use These 7 Bullet-Proof Strategies
Wondering how to beat a narcissist and thrive despite bullies? It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here are seven strategies to go from "it's holding me back" to "hold me back - I dare you."
1. Know What You’re Up Against
The first step to negotiating with a narcissist is understanding who you’re dealing with. And it ain't pretty. Narcissists are motivated by their own self-interest, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get what they want.
Narcs don't care about fairness or compromise - they just want to pursue their own ends. Knowing this will help you stay grounded and keep your expectations in check.
Don’t go into the negotiation expecting them to play fair or be reasonable. Expect them to be difficult, and prepare for it.
And, most importantly, don't take their narcissistic tendencies personally or allow them to manipulate you into thinking that YOU are being unreasonable when you stand up for yourself. This will become infinitely easier when you learn how to think like a lawyer and are confident in your position.
2. Keep Your Emotions in Check
There are a few things that narcissists are good at, and one of them is pushing your buttons.
It can feel like they know exactly how to get under your skin and provoke a reaction. And they thrive when you give it to them. Remember that the more emotional you get, the more power you give them.
Stay calm and composed, no matter what a narc throws at you. Take deep breaths, pause before responding, and remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you.
Keeping your emotions in check allows you to think more clearly. It also takes the power away from the narcissist because they act the way they do exactly because they want to get an emotional reaction from you. When you don't give it to them, they lose their ground.
3. Don’t Fall for the Charm
Narcissists can be incredibly charming when they want to be.
They’ll flatter you, make you feel special, and tell you exactly what you want to hear. Don’t be fooled - the charm is just a tactic to get what they want.
When a narcissist is being nice to you, remember that it's likely just a mask that'll eventually come off. Stay focused on your goals and don’t let yourself be swayed by their manipulation.
4. Set Firm Boundaries
If you let them, a narcissist will cross your boundaries at the first chance they get. Narcs believe that they're superior to others and can do whatever they want because they're "special."
Set firm boundaries from the start. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and don’t be afraid to enforce it.
This can look like saying: "I’m willing to discuss this issue, but I won’t tolerate being interrupted or insulted. If that continues to happen, I’ll end the conversation."
Make sure to stay consistent. If you let a narcissist get away with crossing your boundaries once, they WILL keep doing it again and again.
If you're not sure how to set boundaries, consider working with a conflict strategist.
5. Control the Conversation
Narcissists love to dominate the conversation. They’ll talk over you, interrupt you, and turn everything back to themselves.
Lean into your confidence. You don't have to take a back seat during conflict resolution. Be assertive, speak clearly, and don’t be afraid to turn the negotiation back to the issue at hand.
When you're negotiating with a narcissist, it can feel like you're losing your mind. Narcs are very skilled at making you feel like you're imagining things. Don’t let them derail the conversation with tangents, distractions, and manipulations.
6. Use Their Own Tactics Against Them
Narcissists are master manipulators, but that doesn’t mean you can’t turn the tables on them.
For example, if a narc is being evasive or refusing to answer a question, use their own words to box them in.
Repeat their statements back to them and ask for clarification. This forces them to confront their own contradictions. This way, they can't wiggle out of the conversation.
You can also appeal to their ego and bring their attention to what they’re getting out of the deal. This may make them more likely to cooperate and want to reach a mutual agreement.
7. Have Realistic Expectations
When negotiating with a narcissist, you’re not going to change their personality or make them see reason. NPD is a mental health disorder, so it's essential not to take a narc's behavior personally.
Don’t expect them to be fair or reasonable, and don’t be surprised if they try to undermine the agreement later on (something a conflict strategist or lawyer can help you prevent).
The best you can hope for is to reach a compromise that meets your needs without giving a narc too much power. Stay vigilant and be prepared to enforce the terms of the agreement in the future if the narcissist tries to get some kind of "special treatment."
How to Make a Narcissist Respect You
Narcissists don’t naturally respect others. They respect power, so the key to gaining their respect is to stand your ground and refuse to be intimidated.
Show them that you’re not afraid to walk away if they don’t meet your terms.
Be confident and assertive. The more they see that you’re not easily manipulated, the more they’ll respect you. They'll feel frustrated by you, no doubt...but they'll also respect you!
If standing your ground during the negotiation process sounds easier said than done, learn more about The Step Up Membership.
How to Negotiate with a Narcissist in Divorce
A divorce process with a narcissistic spouse is - for the lack of a better word - challenging. Divorce cases often involve issues like narcissistic abuse, child custody, spousal support, and more.
Every divorce case is different, so it's essential to get a divorce attorney skilled in family law who understands the intricacies of dealing with a narcissist. A divorce lawyer will protect you and help you stand your ground.
FAQs
How Do You Finally Outsmart a Narcissist?
The only way to outsmart someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is to finally see them for who they are. Narcissists lack empathy and believe that they're superior to others, but deep down they're also incredibly insecure. They thrive off getting an emotional reaction from you and are skilled at manipulation. Be prepared for their tricks and know when to walk away. The best way to win with a narcissist is to avoid playing their game.
What Angers a Narcissist the Most?
Narcissists are angered by anything that threatens their ego. This includes being ignored, criticized, or confronted with their own flaws. They can’t stand losing control or being outsmarted. You're inevitably going to anger a narcissist during the negotiation process, but that's nothing to be scared of. Stand your ground and lean into your confidence. The Step Up Membership can help you with this.
How to Get a Narcissist to Tell the Truth?
Narcissists are so good at manipulation that they often manipulate themselves into believing that they're special, superior, and deserve special treatment. A narcissist can do the craziest thing and genuinely believe that they're in the right. That said, you can sometimes use the narcissist's own words against them by pointing out inconsistencies in their story and asking them to clarify what they mean. This can force them to tell the truth.
How to De-escalate a Narcissist?
The best way to de-escalate a conflict with a narcissist is to stand firm against their provocations and avoid getting sucked into their drama. Narcissists feed off your emotional reactions, so the more emotion you give them, the more they escalate the conflict. Stay calm and maintain your control over the conversation. If a narcissist tries to go on a tangent, firmly redirect them to the issue at hand.
Face Your Conflict with a Narcissist Head-On
Dealing with a narcissist at work is awful. It can make you spiral or act impulsively. Alternatively, you may avoid conflict, bury your head in the sand, and stay miserable. None of those scenarios have to be your life.
In The Step Up Membership, you'll learn how to go from conflict with a narcissist to crushing it. From navigating power dynamics to coming out a winner from communication challenges, the Membership has everything you need to unlock your confidence and power.
