How to Deal with a Mean Girl: 7 No-Nonsense Strategies

Oct. 4

Newsflash: Mean girls didn't disappear after high school. They just traded their lockers for cubicles and their cliques for office alliances.

If you're dealing with workplace bullies who make you feel like you're back in the cafeteria, wondering where to sit, you've landed in just the right place.

It's time to remember that you're not a teenager anymore, and this isn't "Selling Sunset" where drama equals higher ratings. You're a brilliant professional, and you deserve to work without feeling like you're constantly under attack and peer pressure.

Get ready to turn the tables.

What Causes Mean Girl Behavior in Adults

Mean girl behavior in adults isn't about you. It's about them.

These women are often insecure, threatened, or desperately climbing the corporate ladder. They might be dealing with personal issues or trying to mask their own inadequacies.

But guess what? That's their problem, not yours.

Most of the time, grown women act like they're stuck in middle school because of:

Insecurity: Deep down, many mean girls are terrified of being outshone. To them, your success feels like their failure.
Power trips: Some people get a little drunk on authority, and even a small amount of power can go to their heads (this often happens when the mean girl is your boss).
Learned behavior: Some mean girls are used to bullying behavior and never learn healthier ways to interact with other people (especially other women).
Personal life: For some people, work becomes the punching bag for problems at home.
Lack of empathy: Some people simply struggle to consider others' feelings, or you may be dealing with a narcissist.

Understanding what causes mean girl behavior in adults doesn't excuse it, but it can help you strategize your actions better.

When you understand the psyche of mean women (and the fact that they likely have low self-esteem!), it becomes easier to counteract their behavior.

Signs of Mean Girl Behavior

So, let's identify the enemy.

Here are some classic mean girl moves that would make even the shadiest Selling Sunset agent blush:

Exclusion: You're mysteriously left off email chains or uninvited to "spontaneous" lunches.
Gossip: Your name seems to be on everyone's lips, and not in a good way. Learn more about what to do if you get canceled.
Stolen credit: Suddenly, your brilliant idea is being presented by someone else in the meeting.
Excessive criticism: Nothing you do is ever good enough, and the mean girl makes sure you know it. Even when nothing is explicitly wrong, nothing's ever quite right, either.
Facial expressions: Non-verbal cues like sighs, eye rolls, and meaningful glances can be hard on your self-confidence.
Sabotage: You're set up to fail with incorrect information or impossible deadlines.
Cliques: There's an exclusive group that seems to run the office.
Backhanded compliments: "Wow, you look so much better today!" Gee, thanks.
Gaslighting: She denies saying or doing things you clearly remember, which makes you doubt yourself.

If you're nodding along, please know that these tactics are textbook mean girl behavior, and they have no place in a professional environment. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, a shocking 31% of Americans have reported being bullied as adults.

But it's not about the past - it's about the steps you're going to take to deal with mean girls, seek support, and stop this negative behavior in the future.

So, How Do You Disarm a Mean Girl at Work?

Well, time to channel your inner Olivia Pope. You're not here to start a war, you're here to handle it. Use these 7 strategies to navigate mean girl politics and come out on top.

1. Don't React Emotionally

The worst thing you can do to a mean girl? Keep your cool. Mean girls feed off drama, so don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you flustered or experiencing negative emotions.

Stay calm and professional so you can watch them squirm when they can't get a rise out of you.

Here are a few tips on how to keep your cool even in the most infuriating of situations from a conflict strategist (AKA, me):

Take deep breaths when you feel your emotions rising
Excuse yourself if you need a moment to compose yourself
Practice neutral facial expressions in the mirror
Respond with facts, not feelings
Use the "grey rock" method: be as interesting as a grey rock

Every time you stay calm in the face of mean girl antics, you're winning. Simple as that.

2. Document Everything

Every snide comment, every "forgotten" email, every time you're left out of the loop - write it down and date it. This isn't paranoia. It's protection.

If things escalate, you'll have a paper trail to build your case (yup, it's the trial lawyer in me speaking).

What to document:

Dates and times of incidents
Exact quotes or descriptions of actions
Names of any witnesses
How the incident affected your work
Any steps you took to address the situation

In case of cyber-bullying, create a folder in your personal email to keep all instances of mean behavior online organized.

3. Build Your Own Network

Chances are, not all of your colleagues are mean girls. You can create alliances and friendships with co-workers who are mature and have integrity.

This will give you support, and it'll also show the mean girl that her tactics aren't isolating you.

How to network effectively:

Attend company events and mingle
Join professional organizations in your field
Offer help to colleagues and be genuinely supportive
Schedule coffee chats with people from different departments
Be known for your professionalism and work ethic

The goal isn't to create your own clique. You want to build genuine professional relationships with others.

(Plus, it's always good to have witnesses.)

4. Confront Directly (But Smartly)

If mean girl behavior persists, it's time for a face-to-face. And by this, I don't mean a loud conflict or office drama.

When confronting a mean girl, be calm, specific, and professional.

Try this phrasing: "When you [specific action], it makes me feel [emotion] and affects my work by [consequence]." No accusations, just facts.

Here are a few more tips:

Choose a private setting
Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory
Stick to recent, specific examples
Focus on the behavior, not the person (no personal attacks)
Be prepared with suggestions for how to improve the situation
Take control of the conversation and end it on a constructive note

You don’t need to be super agreeable or b-tchy to get your point across. Your goal here is to address the issue, not start/win an argument.

5. Set Clear Boundaries

The key to thriving despite bullies? Setting boundaries.

Make it crystal clear what you will and won't tolerate. Be firm, be consistent, and don't budge. You're drawing a line in the sand, and if the mean girl crosses it, she is the one who looks unprofessional.

How to set boundaries:

Be clear about your limits (ex: "I don't discuss personal matters at work")
Communicate your boundaries calmly and directly
Follow through with consequences if boundaries are crossed
Reinforce your boundaries consistently
Don't justify or over-explain your boundaries

Remember that "no" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone - and especially a mean girl - an explanation for your boundaries.

6. Focus on Your Work

Success is the best revenge, so pour your energy into crushing your goals. Spend time on boosting your career so that the mean girls see that their attacks aren't affecting your performance.

Few things annoy a mean girl co-worker more than seeing you thrive.

Set clear and achievable goals for yourself, seek out new projects or responsibilities, and keep growing your skills. While the mean girl is busy playing games, you're building a career.

7. Escalate if Necessary

If nothing changes, it's time to involve HR or management. You're not tattling - you're protecting your right to a harassment-free workplace.

This is where the documentation you've been keeping (see strategy #2) comes in handy. It allows you to share facts with the leadership in a calm and professional way without jumping to accusations.

Follow this process:

Review your company's policies on workplace behavior
Prepare a concise summary of events with your documentation
Schedule a meeting with HR or your manager
Stick to the facts and avoid emotional language
Be prepared with suggestions for resolution
Follow up in writing after the meeting

The bottom line is that you have the right to a respectful work environment and advocating for yourself isn't a bad thing.

How to Deal with a Mean Girl Boss

When the mean girl is your boss, the stakes are higher, but the principles remain the same. Here's how to handle it:

Document meticulously: Every interaction, every unreasonable demand, and every instance of favoritism. Date it, detail it.
Know your rights: Look at your company's policies and labor laws. Harassment is never okay, even from a superior.
Seek allies: Build relationships with other managers or higher-ups who can vouch for your work.
Focus on results: Make your work so impressive that it can't be ignored or downplayed.
Consider a direct conversation: If you feel safe doing so, try addressing the issue directly with your boss.
Go above her: If the behavior continues, consider speaking with her superior or HR. Use your documentation to support your case.

Even bosses have bosses. You don't have to suffer in silence just because the mean girl outranks you.

FAQs

What Is the Mean Girl Personality?

Mean girls at work are often insecure, competitive, and manipulative. They use social power to control others and boost their own status in a social circle. They may excessively criticize other women, gossip, spread rumors, exclude others, take credit for others' hard work, or act in a passive-aggressive way. Mean girls at work make you feel attacked and unsafe.

How to Win Against Mean Girls?

You win by not playing their game. Stay professional, document everything, build your own support network, and focus on your work. Success is the best revenge. To shut the mean girl behavior down, maintain emotional control (don't let her see you get upset), address issues directly and professionally, and enforce clear boundaries. If the mean girl is interfering with your work, reach out to HR or leadership.

How to Deal with Mean Girl Cliques at Work?

Don't try to infiltrate the mean girl clique. Instead, build your own network of supportive co-workers who are mutually respectful and professional. Don't engage in office gossip or politics and maintain a friendly but professional demeanor with everyone. If the clique's behavior is disruptive, address it with your HR or leadership.

Should You Hire a Conflict Coach?

90% of executives recognize the increasing importance of company culture. And mean girls? They can make company culture really suck.

You're a professional, and you deserve to be treated like one. When you stand up to mean girl behavior, you can recover from professional setbacks and resolve conflict in a non-cringy way.

But sometimes, it's hard to figure out how to do this alone.

If you need more of the “we ride at dawn” kinda badass energy in your life, I teach you how to successfully navigate workplace conflict in my The Step Up Membership.

When mean girls go low, you go high.