Family Drama During the Holidays: 7 Strategies to Survive
It hurts to scroll through Instagram and watch everyone's highlight reel of perfect family gatherings while you're mentally preparing for your upcoming holiday dinner like it's an episode of Survivor.
Family drama during the holidays sucks, but there are things you can do to stop it from ruining your holiday season. Here's what to do.
But First - Why Do Families Fight During the Holidays?
When you're cutting into that turkey, someone decides it's the perfect moment to bring up every unresolved issue since 1987.
Maybe it's political views - that's usually the first thing. Or family dynamics like divorce or marrying someone your family members disapprove of. And then, of course, there are the dreaded questions like "So when are you having kids?!" "Why don't you buy a house instead of renting?" and "Don't you think it's time to get a real job?"
Just like that, the holiday season (and certain family members) are pushing buttons you forgot you had. And unfortunately, more often than not, everything devolves into a full-blown holiday family drama before the main course rolls around.
Luckily, there are things you can do to feel better during chaotic holiday gatherings.
How to Deal with Family Drama During the Holidays
1. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are your front-line defense against family chaos. When your mom starts playing amateur psychologist or your sister tries dragging you into old drama, having clear personal boundaries allows you to get out of the conversations that you have no interest in.
Start with simple phrases: "I'm not comfortable discussing that" or "Let's talk about something else."
And when someone tries to make you question your own reality ("You're too sensitive" or "That never happened"), recognize it for what it is: gaslighting. Shut it down with "I know what I experienced" or "We remember things differently, and that's okay."
2. Have an Exit Strategy
If your family time often turns into conflict, it's essential to always have an escape plan.
Keep your car keys handy, download a ride-share app, or book a hotel room instead of staying at your parents' house - whatever it is, have a clear idea for how you can get yourself out of an unpleasant situation.
Have some pre-planned exits for conversations, too. "I need to help in the kitchen" or "I promised to call my friend" work wonders.
YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF! "No" is a complete sentence, and "I need to step out" doesn't require a PowerPoint presentation justifying why.
3. Find Your Holiday Allies
While this is not the case for every family, there's likely at least ONE family member or person who gets it. Maybe it's your cousin who also thinks Aunt Martha's comments are out of line or your sister-in-law who makes the most out of uncomfortable situations.
These are your people.
Text them before family gatherings and try to sit next to them at the table. Sometimes, just sharing an understanding look across the table can help you keep your cool and feel like you're not alone during family holidays.
4. Use the Grey Rock Method
Wondering how to deal with difficult family members during the holidays? Become as interesting as a grey rock. It's an amazing technique that works wonders, especially when dealing with a narcissist.
Keep your responses boring, brief, and basic. "How's work?" "It's fine." "Dating anyone?" "Not right now." Don't give them emotional ammunition to use against you!
This method is particularly effective with family members who feed off drama – when you stop providing the reaction they want, they'll usually move on to someone else.
5. Create Your Own Traditions
The truth is, you're not the only one who's trying to figure out how to deal with family stress during the holidays. As a conflict coach, I deal with difficult family dynamics OFTEN.
Research shows that as many as 1 in 4 people are estranged from at least one of their family members. In another study, researchers found that 26 percent of young adults are estranged from their fathers, and six percent are estranged from their mothers.
My point is that you're not alone if traditional family holidays don't work for you, and you have the POWER to make your own rules and traditions!
Maybe your holiday joy looks like a friendsgiving, a solo trip, or volunteering. Or just taking a mental health day and ordering delicious takeout with no regrets. Create traditions that fill your cup instead of draining it. "Family" can mean whatever you want it to mean!
6. Don't Be Scared of Conflict
Some conflict can actually be healthy!
Instead of tiptoeing around issues year after year, sometimes addressing things head-on can lead to a productive conversation and better relationships.
Just make sure to take a few deep breaths, choose your battles, and approach them constructively. "When you make comments about my weight, it hurts me" is more effective than "You're always so critical!"
Remember that your own reactions are the only thing you can control, and look at spending time with your family members as an opportunity for some breakthroughs, not just the source of holiday stress.
7. Prioritize Your Mental Health
Ultimately, you have to put yourself first. And I don't mean just taking a deep breath.
If certain family interactions leave you feeling drained, anxious, or depressed, listen to those feelings and practice self-care.
This can look like setting time limits for visits and taking breaks from your family situation when you need them. It's also okay to skip gatherings that you know will be harmful to your mental health and well-being.
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members During the Holidays
You might not like hearing this, but not everyone who disagrees with you or causes conflict is "toxic." So, the first step is taking an honest look at the situation and taking ownership over it.
Sometimes, productive conflict can lead to stronger relationships and better understanding. But if you're dealing with patterns of manipulation, emotional abuse, or behavior that consistently undermines your well-being, that's a different story.
It's very important to understand the difference between difficult conversations that could lead to growth and truly harmful patterns that require firm boundaries. I help my 1:1 coaching clients develop a healthier and more nuanced mindset on conflict!
FAQs
How to Get Through the Holidays with a Dysfunctional Family?
It's hard because you want to spend time with your family, but at the same time, you know it's going to come with a fair share of drama. So, your goal is to have realistic expectations. Maybe you just want to get through dinner without a meltdown. Or maybe you'd like to have one meaningful conversation with your sibling. Have a clear objective and stay focused on it, even if the holiday family drama black hole opens up.
How Do You Not Let Family Drama Bother You?
Try to shift your mindset about family drama. You can't change the fact that it happens, but you can change your relationship with it. Develop emotional distance by reminding yourself that their behavior is about them, not you. Their opinions about your life choices are THEIR story, not normal life or your reality. Observe, but don't absorb.
How Do I Shut Down Toxic Family Members?
Honestly? The most effective way to shut down toxic behavior is to make it boring for the person doing it. Toxic people often feed off reactions, so stop giving them to them. You can repeat the same neutral phrase like "That doesn't work for me, " "I'm not discussing this," or "Let's talk about something else." If they escalate, you can exit the situation (ex: "I need some air").
Is It Normal for Families to Fight on Christmas?
Despite the wholesome nuclear family content you might see on social media, holiday fights are VERY common. The pressure of expectations, proximity to people you don't see every day, old patterns, and often alcohol create the perfect environment for conflict (instead of a wonderful time). So, if you feel angry because it feels like your family is the only family with drama, rest assured you're not alone.
Why Do People Struggle Psychologically During the Holidays?
The holiday season puts your emotional life under a microscope. Grief feels sharper, loneliness cuts deeper, family tensions rise higher, and you're bombarded with messages about joy and togetherness while maybe feeling the exact opposite. Plus, there's also often the financial stress of gift-giving and the pressure to create "perfect" memories.
Why Am I So Angry During the Holidays?
There could be SO many reasons because holidays are stressful for many people. You may be struggling with unmet expectations, boundary violations, and old wounds being poked at. Or maybe you're doing all the emotional labor of keeping the peace and pretending everything's fine when it's not. Or because you're trying to create a different experience than what you had growing up, and it feels impossible.
Is It Normal to Not Like Holidays?
Absolutely. It's very human to dislike the holidays because, for many people, they're the opposite of fun and quality time. They could be triggering difficult memories, amplifying feelings of loss, or reminding you of painful family dynamics. They're also very commercialized and can feel forced. That said, if you genuinely want to attend holiday gatherings but struggle with navigating potential conflicts, conflict coaching can help you find more comfort!
Is There Such a Thing As Holiday Anxiety?
Yes, and it's common! Holidays often come with financial stress, difficult family dynamics, and the pressure to create "magical moments," which can understandably make you anxious. You might dread certain conversations or seeing certain family members, and many other people feel these emotions, too.
You Don't Have to Be Dealing with Family During the Holidays Alone
For every person posting their perfect family holiday photo, there's someone else secretly relieved to find this article. If you deal with a lot of family drama during the holidays, you're NOT alone, and there's no shame in struggling with family dynamics.
If you want to find more comfort in conflict, protect your peace, and stack the deck in your favour - learn more about my coaching services!
